The thing is — I don’t think of myself as retiring.

I have led a constant, reliable life. I will read even the worst book to the last page. I have never voluntarily left a relationship, an obligation, or any employment.

(I can barely stand to leave a room!)

But I’m leaving this seven-day-a-week commitment — because I want to, and because it’s time.

My intention is to move on and to do other meaningful work.

Writing this column has given me a glimpse into thousands of lives.

The insight I have gained has inspired and empowered me to listen to my own counsel, to be authentic in my actions, and to — basically — be in charge of my own life, as much as possible.

Showing myself the door at this moment reflects the privilege of good health, strong relationships, years of steady employment, and some prudent financial choices. I’m very aware of how lucky I am.

My favorite way to envision this work is to picture families reading these columns together at the breakfast table and weighing in with their own points of view before reading mine.

And yes, there are still parents and grandparents out there who clip the newspaper and send pertinent columns to kids in college or summer camp, or tape it to refrigerators and bathroom mirrors.

I’ve heard from healthcare workers, police officers, firefighters and office workers who say they discuss the issues raised in the column in the break room.

I love knowing that, and I’ll miss having coffee with you.

The questions raised in this space have been used as teaching tools in middle schools, memory care units, ESL classes and prisons. These are perfect venues to discuss ethical, human-sized dilemmas.

On my last day communicating with you in this way, I feel compelled to try to sum up my experience by offering some lasting wisdom, but I’ve got no fresh insight. Everything I know has been distilled from wisdom gathered elsewhere.

Boxer Mike Tyson famously said, “Everybody has a plan, until they get punched ….” Punches are inevitable. But I do believe I’ve learned some universal truths that might soften the blows.

They are:

Show up for people.

Be gentle with yourself — and with others.

Lead with kindness, and recognize kindness when you receive it.

Reserve your harshest judgment. Sit on your worst thoughts about other people and consider the consequences before expressing them.

Be of service by finding something, or someone, to take care of.

Find creative ways to express your feelings.

Admit to your faults and failings, and resolve to do better.

Ask for forgiveness.

Work hard not to be defined by the worst things that have happened to you.

Recognize even the smallest blessings and express gratitude.

Be kind to receptionists, restaurant servers, dental hygienists, and anyone who needs to physically touch or serve you in order to do their job.

Understand that there are times when it is necessary to give up.

Spend time in nature.

Identify, develop, or explore your core ethical and/or spiritual beliefs.

Recognize and detach from your own need to control someone else.

Respect boundaries — yours and others’.

Seek the counsel of people who are wiser than you are. Ask their advice, and listen.

I sometimes supply “scripts” for people who have asked me for the right words to say, and so I thought I would boil these down to some of the most important statements I believe anyone can make.

They are:

I need help.

I’m sorry.

I forgive you.

I love you, just as you are.

I’m on your side.

You’re safe.

You are not alone.

Now that I’m near the end of my movie, I hope you’ll pay attention to the end credits.

Many thanks to Chicago friends and colleagues, including Jim Warren, who found me, Ann Marie Lipinski, who hired me, Steve Mandell, who represented me, and editors Mary Elson, Bill O’Connell and Carrie Williams. Thank you to “Gentleman Jack” Barry, who softened my exit.

And especially to Tracy Clark, a talented novelist who has helped to correct my faulty thinking and grammar for many years.

Finally, much gratitude to faithful readers, who can find me on social media and through my regular newsletter.

Onward!

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

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Perhaps reading about some of the things that can go wrong at a wedding will inspire people to avoid these pitfalls.

And if these incidents can’t be avoided, marrying couples can try to embrace them and laugh about it all later.

So take your seat at the “singles” table — and enjoy!

Dear Amy: My brother got married at our house in front of a bay window with a magnificent view of the Concord River.

Halfway through the ceremony, his stoner friend from high school arrived in a canoe, stumbled ashore, and wobbled his way up the yard in full view of the guests. Hilarious backdrop!

— I Was Sober

Dear Amy: My long-ago boyfriend invited me as his “plus one.”

Once we got there it was obvious that he was invited solo, as there was no table card for me.

My father once said, “There’s always someone at a wedding who shouldn’t be there.” In that instance it was me!

— Plus One

Dear Amy: My two brothers-in-law offered to be our photographers for our wedding.

My sisters had each just had their firstborns.

There were a few photos of my husband and me, but most were of their little darlings.

The other photos were of my husband’s buxom cousin in her revealing cleavage. Sigh.

— Busted

Dear Amy: The first song at my uncle’s second wedding: David Lee Roth’s cover of “Just a Gigolo.”

And the bride’s uncle later had a coronary while dancing the polka.

— Danced Out

Dear Amy: My friend and his date “Sheila” were heavily making out on the dance floor; Sheila later hit on multiple other (married) guests and then told my mom how hot she thought the groom was.

My mom replied: “Yes, that’s my new son-in-law.”

— Good Times

Dear Amy: An unsupervised child at my wedding was running around and ran into a door. Got a nosebleed. The mother went to my father (father of the bride) to demand the venue’s wedding coordinator be fired for negligence. They stormed out when my dad refused.

(The child was fine, by the way!)

— Still Married

Dear Amy: We were letting immediate family members know the date we’d finally chosen for our wedding before booking vendors.

My parents said, “…but we have Notre Dame football tickets that day.”

We tried other dates, but they all interfered with their football ticket schedule.

We don’t talk anymore.

— Fighting Irish

Dear Amy: I locked the keys in a running limo in front of the church (in the ’80s), which meant needing a phone book and the minister’s office phone to frantically find a locksmith.

— Locked Out

Dear Amy: I was a member of a flash mob at the reception. Short version of the story: Another member of the mob couldn’t kick as high as he thought he could (due to overly tight suit pants), and ended up kicking the bride in the head. Everyone was fine.

— We Have Video!

Dear Amy: In my 20s I was in a friend’s wedding. A bunch of us rented a room together. I woke up in the middle of the night with a pounding headache, so I drank a glass of water.

It was a groomsman’s contact lens solution — and his lenses.

— Tastebuds are 20/20

Dear Amy: Our rabbi thought our NOON wedding was at 6 p.m. Luckily, one of our guests found a replacement rabbi who stopped by to marry us on his way to a funeral he was officiating.

Our marriage has lasted for 28 years.

— Happy it Took

Dear Amy: My college roommate wanted a child-free wedding, but her family pitched a fit that children wouldn’t be included.

At the reception, one niece ran circles around the room, and then vomited on herself on the dais at the front of the room during the meal.

— I Won’t Have What She’s Having

Dear Amy: The bride’s mom caught my buddy and his date in a delicate position in the bridal suite (and neither were in the wedding party).

— Can’t Unsee That

Dear Amy: My best friend’s (drunk) uncle officiated at his wedding.

Drunk Uncle cleared his throat, produced a page he’d ripped out of his hotel room’s Bible, and began.

— Gideon’s Way

Dear Amy: On the receiving line at my wedding, one of the guests told me, “If I had known you didn’t have a nice dress, I would have lent you mine.”

— Dressed Down

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

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Dear Amy: I’m a college student from the suburbs of San Francisco. I’ve been attending college in New York.

My best friend from school is coming to visit me this summer, and I couldn’t be more excited! But, excitement aside, I do have concerns.

In a time where people of color, especially men, are having the police called on them for everything from waiting for a friend in Starbucks to taking a nap in a common area of a dorm building, I am worried about my neighbors’ potential reaction to a man of color showing up in their predominantly white suburb.

I have toyed with the idea of making a post on nextdoor.com[a neighborhood social media site] asking people to think twice before panicking, should they see my friend walking down the street, as he belongs there as much as they do, but I know my county prides itself on being a liberal and progressive area, and I don’t want to insult anyone.

I don’t want to upset my community by accusing them of racist behavior I have never witnessed, but I am aware of incidents taking place in similar communities.

I do not know what to do to offend as few people as possible, while still trying to make sure my friend feels safe and welcome in the place I call home.

Your suggestion?

— Toeing the Line

Dear Toeing the Line: In recent neighborhood news, “neighbors” in a community similar to yours called the police because they saw an African-American firefighter (in uniform) performing a safety inspection in the neighborhood. The firefighter’s white (female) colleague said that in the future, she would accompany him on neighborhood sprinkler checks, basically for his own safety.

You should start this process by notifying your friend that your neighbors are somewhat likely to “panic” and call the police if he is bold enough to walk through the neighborhood while also being Black.

Strangely, you seem to worry more about offending your neighbors by challenging their lofty notions of themselves than you do about the risk posed to your friend if he walks through your neighborhood alone.

I have two suggestions: Challenge your neighbors out loud to actually let a Black man — any Black man — walk through the neighborhood unchallenged, not because he is your special guest, but because he is a human being walking down a sidewalk.

Also, be completely honest with your friend about the kind of community he would be visiting, and the physical or psychological annoyance (or worse) he could face, simply by being there.

(July 2019)

Dear Amy: Yesterday, my girlfriend “Lori” and I went to lunch at a local restaurant. Two guys were heading for the same restaurant and were slightly ahead of us, but when they got to the door, they held it open for us and allowed us to enter the restaurant first.

We smiled, I thanked them and as soon as I entered, I stood back to allow them to get in line ahead of us, because I figured that was their rightful place and they shouldn’t be penalized for having been courteous to us.

I could tell that they were on their lunch break from work, whereas we had plenty of time to enjoy our own lunch.

Lori got irritated with me and said I shouldn’t have let them “cut” in line ahead of us. I told her I didn’t think they should be penalized for holding the door for us.

Lori keeps laughing at what a “chump” I was. What do you think? When someone holds the door open for another person, does the door holder automatically give up his/her place in whatever line is inside?

— Confused

Dear Confused: Let’s diagram this situation.

On second thought, let’s not.

You are a nice person.

Your girlfriend is a jerk.

You performed an act of kindness.

She laughed at you for it.

My only concern is that if you continue to hang out with her, her harsh assessment of you might turn out to be correct. Don’t be a chump!

(June 2006)

Dear Readers: R. Eric Thomas is starting a new advice column called “Asking Eric.” Eric is young, smart, and an experienced advice-giver. You can help him to get started by sending your thorniest dilemmas his way. Email him at eric@askingeric.com.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

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Dear Amy: About five years ago, I completed a Ph.D. under the guidance of an amazing woman, “Daisy.” She had a truly transformational impact on my life and I owe her a huge debt.

We formed a close bond and she introduced me to her husband and daughter on several occasions. After graduation, we’ve seen each other on a roughly annual basis.

Normally when I have a free day or am passing by her campus, I’ll ask her for a coffee or lunch. I think about her often.

Here is my quandary: I have recently found out that six months ago her daughter was in a freak accident and is now paralyzed from the waist down. The story made the national press, but I only found out it was Daisy’s daughter through an unconnected, professional contact.

I desperately want to reach out to Daisy and her daughter but am unsure how to do so.

Do I mention the accident, or do I simply reach out to ask her for a coffee and see if she brings it up? I don’t want to be insensitive but also want to be there for my friend in this time of need.

— Lost in London

Dear Lost: You should definitely reach out, and you should express your sympathy and concern.

Here’s a start: “Dear Daisy, I was so saddened to learn of your daughter’s accident. I am so grateful for your mentorship and friendship to me over the years. Please know that I am thinking about all of you now. I’ll be in the area soon and would love to see both of you again, if possible.”

Please understand that it is compassionate and appropriate to connect, even if you aren’t sure what to say, and even if you can’t offer a solution to a particular problem. So often, people choose to back away during challenging times. Don’t ghost your friend now.

Following is an inspiring “Update” from — Lost in London:

Dear Amy: You encouraged me to reach out and reminded me that in times of stress and grief, people tend to withdraw from others for fear of overreaching or embarrassment, or saying the wrong thing, when actually we need to step forward and be there for our friends and colleagues.

In that case I did reach out and met up with my mentor, “Daisy,” and we had a wonderful catch-up and continue our relationship.

But perhaps more importantly, your specific advice on that day, and in every other column you have published, echoes the same themes: steady, compassionate friendship; the importance self-care, self-love and boundary setting; and a recognition that sometimes things are outside of your power, and you need to learn to make peace with them.

Your words in your response to me, and those you’ve provided to so many others have guided my approach to the world, mainly that “you just show up.” That might be physically in helping a friend pack and move boxes while clearing out a parent’s home, or emotionally in giving a call to a friend you’ve been thinking about, extending an olive branch to an estranged family member, or showing up for yourself by removing toxic influences from your life.

Showing up, when compassion, empathy, love and support are the motivating factors is seldom the wrong response. And even when it is, at least you know you tried.

Dear Lost in London: You have beautifully summed up my overall point of view. Thank you!

Dear Amy: I am an average-attractive single woman who lives in a big city.

I am frequently approached by men of other races that flirt with me and try to get my phone number.

How do I tell them I am not interested, without offending them?

I stick to my own kind.

— No Thanks

Dear No Thanks: It is fairly easy to say, “No thank you.”

But if you truly want to repel these interested men, you could tell them the truth: “No offense, but I’m a racist.”

They should leave you alone after that.

(April 2020)

Dear Readers: R. Eric Thomas is starting a new advice column called “Asking Eric.” You can help Eric to get started by flinging your most thorny questions his way. Contact him at eric@askingeric.com.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

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Dear Amy: I recently discovered that my son, who is 17, is a homosexual. We are part of a church group and I fear that if people in that group find out they will make fun of me for having a gay child.

He won’t listen to reason, and he will not stop being gay. I feel as if he is doing this just to get back at me for forgetting his birthday for the past three years — I have a busy work schedule.

Please help him make the right choice in life by not being gay. He won’t listen to me, so maybe he will listen to you.

— Feeling Betrayed

Dear Betrayed: You could teach your son an important lesson by changing your own sexuality to show him how easy it is. Try it for the next year or so: Stop being a heterosexual to demonstrate to your son that a person’s sexuality is a matter of choice – to be dictated by one’s parents, the parents’ church and social pressure.

I assume that my suggestion will evoke a reaction that your sexuality is at the core of who you are. The same is true for your son. He has a right to be accepted by his parents for being exactly who he is.

Pressuring your son to change his sexuality is wrong. If you cannot learn to accept him as he is, it might be safest for him to live elsewhere.

A group that could help you and your family figure out how to navigate this is Pflag.org. This organization is founded for parents, families, friends and allies of LGBT people, and has helped countless families through this challenge. Please research and connect with a local chapter.

(May 2013)

Dear Amy: My fiance and I are planning our wedding. As the bride, I’m planning on making certain requests of my guests, to make sure that my special day is as perfect as possible. For example, I’m asking that my guests wear exclusively yellow at the ceremony.

My fiance has been supportive, but he angrily rejected my other request: that our guests remain silent throughout the ceremony and reception (to ensure that the focus remains on us). My fiance said this is irrational.

I know it’s uncommon. I’ve never heard of anyone else having a silent wedding, but we’ve had them in my family. The guests are not permitted to speak at all during the ceremony, and the only toasts allowed are from the mothers of the bride and groom.

During the reception, the guests may whisper, but may not speak aloud. As the newly married couple, our focus should remain solely on each other rather than on any rowdy guests.

I know it’s a lot to ask, but I feel I should have the wedding I want, so that the start of our life together will be perfect. I want him to support me, even if we disagree on something.

Is my fiance’s lack of support a red flag?

— Silence is Golden

Dear Silence: Congratulations! You are on the verge of attaining legendary Bridezilla status. Yes, there are many flags flying over this unusual affair (and they’re yellow, of course).

I hope your fiance is paying attention, because if you are this self-centered now — I can only imagine what the dynamic will be like later, for instance if you choose to have children.

Somewhere along the line, you seem to have gotten the idea that a wedding is for the bride alone, to serve her whims and fancies. No. Public weddings are family events and should celebrate the joining of two families.

Your fiance’s job is not to support you regardless of how dumb your ideas are. That’s not how marriage works.

Let’s start with your request that all guests must wear yellow. I have yet to see a man’s yellow outfit that didn’t bring to mind a giant banana.

Generally, guests don’t speak during wedding ceremonies, unless asked to read aloud. But a silent reception? Aside from some traditions associated with a Quaker wedding (which yours obviously is not), the idea of a silent reception goes well with your color scheme: basically bananas.

If you don’t want rowdy guests, then limit (or don’t serve) alcohol. If you want the focus solely and exclusively on you, then get married in a small room, standing before a mirror.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

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Dear Amy: I am in the most loving relationship with the man I want to marry. We talk about marriage often.

He knows nearly everything about me. The last thing — the thing he doesn’t know — is my protected secret.

Seven years ago, I was raped in college. Few people knew, even then. It took me years to admit it.

Lately, I have felt guilty that I have not told my love this deep secret, not because it is painful for me to talk about (I’ve suppressed it enough to numb it) but because I don’t know how to bring it up in a way that won’t make him feel blindsided, confused, or even angry.

I feel like it’s something he needs to know, and I feel like I am hiding something, but I know I shouldn’t feel this way.

How do I position this and bring it up in conversation?

— Protected Secret

Dear Protected: First of all — I’m so sorry. I’m sorry you went through this. Understand that you get to feel however you feel, including feelings of guilt, sadness, and anxiety. The way you process this will likely change over time.

My own take is that you might start by reframing — to yourself — the language you are using to describe your rape. You think of it as a “deep dark secret.” It is something you are hiding.

Change your vocabulary. Remove words that suggest shame and secrecy. You are a rape survivor. Your rape does not define you. Your healing defines you. Your healthy relationships, your healthy sense of self, your personal, creative or professional successes — these things all define you.

And so no, you should not “position this and bring it up in conversation.” Rape is not something you bring up in conversation. It IS the conversation.

This is going to sound pedestrian, but I am a firm believer in practicing as a way to prepare yourself for a challenging experience or conversation.

Write down your thoughts.

Choose a time and space where you feel comfortable and where neither of you will be distracted.

I suggest starting with: “I have something to talk to you about. This is hard for me and so I hope you’ll bear with me while I get through it. When I’m done, if you have questions, I’ll do my best to answer them.”

If you two have a loving future together (I assume you do), your and his stories — joyful and heartbreaking — go along with you.

Remember this: So many survivors stand alongside you. I hope you can picture an army of supportive survivor-warriors who all have your back.

You would benefit from professional counseling and also group support. Contact RAINN.org for online and telephone counseling.

(November 2019)

Dear Amy: We are planning a costume party at my workplace.

We all decided to dress up as people from an iconic TV show. However, two of my coworkers, who are light skinned, are going over the top to change their skin tone to match the darker-toned cast members of the show.

I personally do not feel comfortable with this. I think it is not only insulting, but very unprofessional.

I’m not sure how to get that across without being rude. My attempts at reconsideration have fallen on deaf ears. In their minds, it is clearly innocent and meant as a joke.

I personally do not see it as a joke, and I don’t want to be involved in a group photo with two people doing something I don’t agree with. What can I do?

— Insulted

Dear Insulted: Artificially changing the color of your skin in order to assume another person’s race as part of a costume is demeaning and racist — no matter who does it.

Iconic TV characters likely have many characteristics aside from the actor’s skin tone that your co-workers could use as part of their impersonation.

Given this rude, ill-considered, potentially career-ending behavior on the part of your co-workers, why are you worried about being rude?

You should say, “I get that you think this is lighthearted and funny, but I’m not comfortable with it. I think this is racist, and not cool or funny at all.”

Do not, under any circumstances, appear in a photo with these “jokers.”

(October 2019)

Dear Readers: R. Eric Thomas is starting a new advice column called “Asking Eric.” You can send your questions to him at Eric@askingeric.com.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

Subscribe to our weekly newsletter, In The Know, to get entertainment news sent straight to your inbox.

Following is my very first column, published in July 2003.

Dear Amy: I have a major problem that has come up just before my Wedding in Chicago. Children. Don’t want them at the Wedding. It was on our invitation: Adult Ceremony Adult Reception. We hired a nanny to take care of anyone who couldn’t find a sitter.

Everyone respected our wishes and made alternative plans for their kids, except for one person: my Mom’s brother from LA.

Has 7-year-old. Grunted about placing the child with Nanny service.

Got an email from cousin (child’s 21-year-old brother) saying they were upset that little kid was excluded. Mom feeling pressured to have child at Reception.

We — bride and groom, SAY NO!!!!! My fiance’s brother’s kids aren’t coming, along with dozens of little cousins. We can’t make an exception for one child!!! Plus, we don’t want kids there!

Are we wrong for how we feel about kids? What about my Mom? She fears all of this will cause a terrible rift between her and her brother.

I say HE is causing rift, not her. He is not respecting our WISHES. We won’t bend and allow him at the Reception.

If they show up with him, do we have a right to ask them to leave? We will be so angered!

Please, please, please, please help.

— Riana

Dear Riana: Use of Capital Letters and strange, telegram writing style first clue that Bride is almost off rocker.

I’m picturing it now: “With this ring, I thee … WHO LET THIS KID IN HERE!!”

You need to take a chill pill before Bridezilla strikes again.

You have made your wishes known. Your guests should respect them.

But if they don’t, please don’t compound their rudeness by stomping over small villages and flame-throwing tongues of fire.

I am urging you not to give this matter one additional moment of your attention, because if you’re not careful, this flap will completely take over the day.

You know, so much that happens on your wedding day is out of your control, and whether the best man gets too drunk, your new mother-in-law slips on the dance floor, or the cake falls off its pedestal, please embrace the day, the guests, your new husband, and your new life.

You can deal with your uncle later, though retaliating against 7-year-olds is NOT allowed, even by brides on a rampage.

Dear Amy: I am a 53-year-old man engaged to a wonderful woman several years younger. She is honest, sweet, and attractive. She has a goodness that few others possess.

My problem is that even though I love her, I am not in love with her. We have not been intimate for a long time because I just do not feel that way about her. Instead, I have sought and found intimacy with others.

These other women were just fulfilling a need. But about a year ago I met someone special. She knows about my fiancée and has pressured me to break off the engagement. But I cannot find the way to end it because I know it would devastate my fiancée.

She is much too kind and sweet to be hurt in that way. I make excuses not to have sex with her (such as made-up medical problems causing impotence).

How should I handle this?

— Perplexed in Pittsburgh

Perplexed in Pittsburgh: There is an old saying: “The truth will set you free.” In this case, the truth will set your fiancée free. And frankly, of the two of you, she’s the one I’m concerned about.

I frequently suggest scripts for people to use as blueprints for challenging conversations. Here’s yours: “Honey, I am a lying, skeevy horn dog. I don’t deserve you. I know that people often say that, but in this case, it’s really true. I really don’t deserve you.”

Tell her what you’ve been up to. Then apologize to her, to all of the people who suffer from actual sexual dysfunctions (whose maladies you’ve made a mockery of), and to anyone whom you might have used sexually and perhaps emotionally misled to fulfill your own needs. You also should suggest that your fiancée get tested for STDs.

If you want to make things easier on her, don’t sugarcoat this. Tell her everything. Her relief at being done with you will ease her devastation.

(May 2010)

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

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The issue I am having is with her husband, my son-in-law.

He is completely anti-social and barely acknowledges my presence.

He has never initiated a conversation, and during family events he either absents himself or is present but playing video games on his phone.

I have learned not to take this personally because he treats everyone, including his own family, the same way.

Family members and friends have tried to understand his behavior: Is he “on the spectrum,” is it a cultural issue, (he is from a different country), or is he just rude?

A few friends and family members have discussed this with my stepdaughter, and she says, “It is just the way he is.”

I will be visiting them later this year and am already apprehensive.

While I am visiting, I find his behavior so unpleasant that I find excuses to retire early.

Is there another way for me to understand his behavior and make peace with it?

— Curious

Dear Curious: I don’t think it is necessary for you (or me) to try to diagnose or assign a category to your son-in-law’s behavior in order to make peace with it. “Peace” (or acceptance) is a choice. You say you aren’t taking his behavior personally, but you seem to be doing just that.

It might help if you saw him as perhaps a shy or introverted person who doesn’t initiate or actively participate in conversations, but is possibly listening or witnessing the family dynamic in his own way when he is present.

You say that others have broached this issue with your stepdaughter, but it might be helpful if you spoke with her — or him — in order to make sure he is comfortable with you being a guest in their home. Ask for any suggestions for ways you might connect with him.

“Difficult” people lay down a challenge and test your tolerance, but also present an opportunity for you to grow. And if you can’t grow, you can at least tell yourself that in order to stay connected with your stepdaughter, you will need to detach from his behavior.

Dear Amy: About 20 years ago, I was at a dental appointment in a medical arts building.

My dentist, (like me, a female), asked if I had ever experienced sexual abuse during an exam from a doctor.

I said, “Yes, and it happened in this building.”

She asked if it was “Dr. So and So,” and I said yes.

She told me she’d had a similar experience with this doctor.

Amy, this happened in the 1970s, when we were about 20.

Last year he died. When I read the obituary the memories came back, including the plaid knit slacks that he was wearing when he abused me.

I know other women my age who had similar experiences with doctors when they were young.

Thanks for letting me share this. This will help me to forget.

— Survivor

Dear Survivor: This is horrific. I’m so sorry this happened to you.

I think it is extremely important that you have told your story, but I wonder if this really will help you to forget.

I highly recommend that you speak to a counselor about this. I think it might also be a good idea to talk more with your dentist about your experiences.

You could also contact the state medical licensing board to report this abuse.

You can assume this doctor victimized other patients, and it might help you — and others — if you report this crime, even after the perpetrator’s death.

Seeking justice could inspire other survivors to come forward.

Dear Amy: “Passively Helpful Guy” wondered about offering to help people.

Your suggestion of, “Can I give you a hand with that?” is the perfect response.

It lets the person know you’re available and willing, without pouncing.

I have a visible physical atypicality (I avoid the word disabled) and well-meaning people often jump in to “help” me with things I manage fine, but differently.

It doesn’t occur to them that they’re stealing bits of my hard-won autonomy, or are looking for a pat-on-the-back experience to brighten their day.

Always ask before helping anyone, unless they’re bleeding or lying on the sidewalk, babbling and/or unconscious!

— No Thanks, I’ve Got It

Dear I’ve Got It: Sage advice. Thank you.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

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Dear Amy: A couple of years ago, an acquaintance of ours hosted a dinner party. I was only acquainted with half the people there. The hostess didn’t make introductions.

One person present was someone I had met a few times. (I’ll call her “Jane.”)

I knew that Jane had a partner, “Joan,” whom I had only met once years before.

At the dinner, Jane was sitting next to a man.

At one point I stared across the table because I was trying to determine if this was Jane’s brother, or if Joan was transitioning to male.

I admit that I feel bad for staring, but I was trying to figure out if we had met.

We spoke briefly afterward, and they made no attempt to reintroduce themselves to me.

After they left, the hostess explained that Joan was now “John” and how they hate to have to explain themselves or their pronoun, which is “they.”

I tried to joke: “I didn’t get the memo.” To which the hostess replied, “It wasn’t my memo to send.”

I think the hostess could have spared some social awkwardness with one quick sentence privately, like “Joan is John now, deal with it,” which would have been fine with me.

I am still angry with the hostess for leaving us floundering as to who was at the party. What do you think?

— Befuddled Guest

Dear Befuddled: Let us for a moment go back to nursery school. Have you ever noticed that when children don’t know other kids’ names, they don’t talk to them?

Names: We have them for a reason.

Now let’s talk about this hostess. Who invites a bunch of previously unacquainted (or semi-acquainted) people to their home and then doesn’t introduce (or re-introduce) them to each other at the beginning of the evening? I mean, if you’re going to make a cassoulet, you can certainly make an introduction.

Now onto you. In the absence of hostess-courtesy, why didn’t you introduce yourself to people? “Hi, I’m Befuddled Guest. But please, you can call me Befuddled. Tell me your name?” If the person answers by saying, “We’ve met before” (I get this a lot), you can say — as I always do — “Oh, I’m so sorry, I’ve forgotten that. Remind me of your name?”

I agree that it is not the hostess’s job to deliver the memo about a guest’s gender transition in advance of the party. It IS the hostess’s job to introduce her guests to one another.

If you know someone’s name, you don’t have to ponder or puzzle over their gender. Granted, “John” is likely a male. “Courtney” might be a man or a woman. But gender identity doesn’t matter, because when you know someone’s name, you can just address them by their name, see them as fellow humans, and take it from there.

Dear Amy: I wanted to respond to the recent letter from “Befuddled,” in which a husband laments the estrangement between his wife and her sister. Your advice was beautifully written.

As an RN of some 45 years, I have seen the awfulness of unresolved estrangements, which can be decades long.

I could recount way too many situations, during end-of-life discussions in which it was appropriate to discontinue life support.

But if a family member is estranged from a loved one, once the person dies, so too does any hope of reconciliation.

It is these very people who often struggle with what’s called “complex grief.”

So many times, we nurses would hear stories that break your heart: Each person was longing for the other one to make that first phone call, and apologize.

Of course, many times no one could even recall what exactly was said so many years ago that led to such a fracture between loved ones.

Life is short. Regrets can tear us up.

— Nursing Some Hurts

Dear Nursing: Estrangement seems to be a particularly heartbreaking trend (at least in the questions sent to me). Your perspective is so valuable. Thank you for offering it. I hope your words inspire people to reconsider their relationships and seek ways to reconcile, if possible.

Dear Amy: “Passively Helpful Guy” seems to think that if he offers to help people, he’ll be trapped in an endless loop of offering assistance.

I suggest he try it, just once.

Yes, we should all learn to ask for help — and also learn how to offer it.

— Faithful Reader

Dear Faithful: Exactly. Thank you.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

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I occasionally made jokes and said things that in retrospect I realize were inappropriate. She finally set me straight.

Then COVID and the MeToo movement hit, and I had time to revisit a number of things that at the time I felt were innocent remarks or actions, but were in fact wrong.

We have since become friends again, but I occasionally think that I’d like to apologize for every time I made her uncomfortable.

I know there are other men who have been even guiltier than I, but they have never apologized. Do I need to?

Would my apologizing now, years later, be just for my benefit — or would it be a kind gesture to a good friend?

— Conflicted

Dear Conflicted: Other people doing worse things than you have done should not enter into your equation. You cannot justify your own choices by finding negative examples to compare yourself to.

There is no downside for you to apologize to your friend for mistakes, “jokes” or comments you made years ago. She called you out at the time, and your friendship took a hit, but seems to have recovered.

Maya Angelou said it best: “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”

An apology would definitely benefit you, and offering forgiveness (if necessary) would also benefit her.

You say that your friend “set you straight” at the time and that your friendship suffered.

Opening up a discussion and offering her your current perspective and understanding — along with an apology — will help both of you to close the loop on this and move forward with greater understanding and intimacy.

Dear Readers: The following Q&A first ran in 2020.

Dear Amy: My family and I came to America from the Soviet Union when I was a teenager. We became citizens. I got educated here and own a successful business. I write well and speak correctly, with almost no accent. I feel like I am an American.

I love America, and try to learn new things every day, but I feel like something is missing in me.

Since I spent my formative years in a communist country (truly like another planet, compared to the USA), my “autopilot” reactions are not like those of typical American-born people. For instance, my manners, topics of conversation, humor, dress, attitude toward money, and even body language can seem “foreign.”

I feel like it is hurting me to be “culturally different.” I don’t think I say or do anything straight-up offensive — it’s more like a lot of little things.

How can I fix this “handicap”?

I would love to know how to be more American, but I can’t find any books or courses on the subject.

— NOT Born in the USA

Dear NOT: As we approach the celebration of another Independence Day, I appreciate this unusual and provocative question, which, honestly — has no “correct” answer.

First, I urge you not to see your own cultural background and habits as a “handicap,” but as an asset.

Yes, America is a country. But America is also really a series of concepts, experiments, and experiences. It is no one thing.

But here is a beautiful “American” ideal (so different from the culture you were raised in): All Americans have the right to be uniquely themselves, and that definitely includes you.

However, reinvention is baked into the American experience, and so if you want to affect “American” mannerisms, I suggest you become a student of American culture. Take a history course at your local community college. Follow up with a class on cinema and popular culture. Read Mark Twain, Edith Wharton, Sherman Alexie, Gary Shteyngart, and Jericho Brown. Listen to Dolly Parton. Watch “Singing in the Rain,” “Goodfellas,” “Barbershop,” “13 th,” and “Ramy.”

Become a volunteer firefighter. Teach English as a second language to other newer citizens (teaching American concepts to others will show you how much you actually know). Work at your local polling station during the next election.

When you say or do something you believe is “off,” ask a friend to break it down for you. They might choose to tell you what I’m trying to tell you now — which is that your effort makes you the most “American” person they know.

Dear Readers: R. Eric Thomas is starting a new advice column. You can help Eric get started by sending your questions to eric@askingeric.com.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

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