— Still Grieving

Dear Grieving: I’m so sorry for the loss you’re enduring. Grief’s shadow is always longer than we think it will be. It comes at us, seemingly, out of nowhere sometimes.

Your daughter is processing her grief by keeping your son’s name alive. That’s a lovely gesture but it also makes sense that it doesn’t work for you right now.

Asking her to choose another name for her son won’t solve anything for either of you but see if you can come up with a nickname that you can call him. Ask for her help and blessing in this. Maybe it’s his middle name or maybe it’s something else altogether. You and your daughter can create something special that holds space for your grief while making room for the love you’ll have for your grandson.

Dear Eric: I have recently noticed a disturbing trend during road trips with my wife of more than 30 years. As we visit our college-age children at their campus, we regularly face car rides of three hours or more. I willingly drive, and that’s my wife’s preference as well, although she would take a shift without issue.

After a short time, she will retreat to her phone. I will try to continue a conversation, but I will get short answers and no attempt at real participation. We have a great marriage, and communication is not an issue, nor is phone use a problem during other moments.

I get that she is trying to make a boring car ride go quickly; and I don’t need help staying awake, navigating or maintaining concentration on the road. I will inevitably put on a podcast or music and life goes on. However, I find myself annoyed and think the behavior is slightly rude. I feel there is an unwritten rule that if you ride “shotgun”, your role is to engage with the driver. Am I off base here?

— Lonely Driver

Dear Driver: Ah, shotgun. The vice president of the car. A hallowed position, ruling over the music, the navigation, but never the air-conditioning. As with any other vice presidency, the role of shotgun is what you make it. Personally, I appreciate occasional navigation help but prefer to choose the music myself. If you want your wife’s engagement, ask for it. That said, if you’re just as happy putting on a podcast, let the unwritten rules go and consider these college car trips down time with low stakes. A Camp David for shotguns, if you will.

Dear Eric: I am a recently retired divorced man in his 60s. I’ve been divorced for 15 years and during this time I was affected by severe erectile dysfunction which, after consultations with urologists, can only be corrected with a penile implant. I’m not yet willing to take this step.

I’ve accepted my situation. Because I’ve decided against an implant, I’ve stopped seeking any romantic relationships. For years I’ve been questioned why I stopped dating or seeking a new relationship. I’ve even been asked if I’m gay, which I’m not. Many of these questions come from longtime friends or their wives. I’m not sure how to respond without sharing the details of my situation. I wish to be able to respond in a polite manner that will end the questions and speculation.

— Single By Choice

Dear Single: “I enjoy my own company;” “I like to sleep in the middle of the bed;” “I don’t want anyone around spoiling TV shows for me;” “Baseball season tickets are cheaper this way;” “After my divorce, I found I was quite happy, and I don’t see any reason to change that.”

Well-meaning friends will poke and prod, particularly around relationships, with good intentions. Sometimes it’s an indicator that they see a problem you don’t; other times it’s an indicator that your choice doesn’t square with the way they live their lives.

Either way, you can tell them, kindly, “buzz off; I’m fine.”

Now, at the risk of being a well-meaning prodder, I want to point out that not every relationship involves sexual intimacy. If you desire romantic companionship, apps, dating sites, or even in-person meet-ups can help you find a person who understands erectile dysfunction and may not even want intercourse herself.

But if what you desire is exactly what you have, I support that wholeheartedly and I’ll buzz off.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

At one point I petitioned the court and was granted legal custody. She has left and come back multiple times over the years.

Angel just had a baby and is struggling in every way. She seems angry all the time. She has a history of being mean, rude and disrespectful to me over the years and at each turn, I decided to stick around.

Angel is a trauma survivor and victim of abuse and neglect as a child. I strive to offer empathy, support and unconditional love. It’s a hard job. I’m feeling that I am at a crossroads after a recent incident. Can I just be done with all of this?

I feel disrespected, taken advantage of, unappreciated and just plain sick of all the drama. Then I remember that nothing I feel could possibly compare to the challenges that she has faced, and the lifetime of trauma she has experienced.

Angel has demonstrated that she is either unwilling or not capable of working toward a healthier connection. Am I OK with being one more adult who lets her down (in her eyes, anyway) and walks away?

— Fatigued Foster Parent

Dear Fatigued: This process of “rupture and repair” is a lifetime one, according to Priscilla Singleton, LMFT, LSCW, director of Clinical Standards at the Council for Relationships. Angel is going to keep pushing to make sure that you’re actually going to stick around, Singleton told me. But your steady presence, whether Angel is accepting or rejecting it, is still a message that maybe the world is a safe place.

As a foster care worker, Singleton ran training and support groups for parents. But if you didn’t receive that — say, if Angel came to you through family connections — a lot of this probably feels unmanageable. Parents don’t have to be punching bags, but you have tools that Angel doesn’t.

Instead of walking away, work with a therapist or support group that has specific training in fostering and adoption. They can help you better understand where Angel is coming from and set a boundary that will keep you both safe. This boundary also models healthy parenting for Angel and her daughter.

Dear Eric: I was married for 25 years to a good man. We just weren’t great as a married couple. We have two grown children that live on their own.

Now that our amicable divorce is final, he has moved in with the person he started seeing while we were divorcing. I respect the relationship and I’m happy for them. The problem is, she has cut me out of any communication with him.

Apparently, she doesn’t believe our relationship is appropriate and now he is trying to make her happy by telling me not to contact him anymore. There are things regarding our daughters that I would like to discuss with him. I can’t understand how us talking can be an issue.

I realize this is out of my control, but I am having a hard time accepting it. Knowing the conversations that we have had during our divorce process and how we both agreed that our friendly relationship was best for our family going forward. Am I out of line here?

— Amicable Ex

Dear Amicable: You’re not out of line. Your ex’s new partner may be feeling insecure because you have a longstanding and healthy relationship with your ex. Not your problem… but it will probably continue to be your problem.

You should respect what he’s asking for but be clear to him, calmly and reasonably, it’s not what you discussed with respect to your daughters. I wouldn’t press it though. This relationship is still new and pales in comparison to the depth and breadth of your relationship. Give it time to settle and reach out when/if your daughters need it.

Dear Eric: I must disagree with your answer to Trapped at Home whose husband has a history of infidelity and whose children are encouraging her to divorce him.

My advice is to get tested for STIs and protect herself going forward. See a divorce lawyer to get a clear understanding of her financial reality in the event of a divorce. Her state may be a community property state, her husband may have to pay maintenance and will surely have to pay child support. She should also see a tax adviser to understand potential effects post-divorce. She may conclude her financial situation has the potential to be better than she supposed.

— Been There

Dear Been There: Thanks for sharing this perspective. I do hope you’re right and she’s in a better position than she thinks.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

Instead, she is choosing a less costly homeopathic route, along with supplements and a modified diet, telling me she knows the cat may not have long to live.

Though I would follow a different path, I listened to my friend and did not challenge or try to change her personal decision. My problem is that I feel sad for her cat and am surprised; after hearing her gush about how much she loves her pet companion for years, by how casual she now is about his current state.

Everyone grieves in their own way, and I need to not judge but I find I am disheartened and am judging my friend. How can I frame this situation so that I can be present for and help my friend?

— Pet Heartsick

Dear Heartsick: Oh, I feel so sad for this cat and for your friend. It sounds like your friend is making the best decision she can, given her financial circumstances. I know it sounds cruel to you, but she might be backed into a corner. To wit, if she feels she can’t rely on the vet for good advice, it’s likely a kind of hopelessness has crept in.

In terms of re-framing, it might put your mind at ease to offer a little help. If it’s within your means, you can ask her if she’d like support paying the vet bill. Or, if that’s not possible, you could help her look into lower cost vet care or financial assistance for pet owners. Your local No-Kill shelter or nonprofit is a good place to start searching for resources.

If she’s resistant, however, remind yourself that this is a significant loss for her and this may be the only way she can wrap her mind around the grief. Being there for her as she processes it is a kindness.

Dear Eric: My husband died 11 years ago. He was the greatest love of my life (so far?). Things became really bad two years before he passed due to his alcoholism.

When we met, both of us were clean and sober. About four or five years later, during a romantic weekend, we both lost our sobriety. However, nothing changed between us or our relationship. We only drank on weekends after our son was in bed, and we never frequented bars. We drank at home. His drinking escalated quickly, especially after his father died. Things between us went downhill from there.

Eventually, I realized I had to leave. But when I found out he had three to six months to live, I moved back to take care of him.

Since he died, I have not only struggled to survive financially, but I struggle with moving on emotionally. I haven’t dated or sought any relationship with any man. I don’t trust any man who shows an interest in me.

I want to be happy again. I want to feel that joy, enthusiasm and lust for life, and find someone to share that with! I know something has got to be wrong with me if I’m rejecting men who want to know me.

Should I seek a therapist or just accept that I might be too messed up to move on?

— Stuck in Grief

Dear Stuck: You are not too messed up. You are suffering, yes. You are dealing with a lot, even 11 years later, yes. But you aren’t broken beyond repair.

If you haven’t been already, please see if an Al-Anon meeting or a Smart Recovery Family meeting feels right to you. As you know, alcoholism is a family disease and his drinking affected you, even when you were drinking, too. Maybe you’re feeling guilt, blame, anger, or codependency and those feelings are keeping you from moving forward in your life and in other relationships.

The whirlwind of the dissolution of your marriage and his death blew up your life. Without processing your feelings around it, it’s going to be hard to move ahead. Seek out the free resources mentioned above to begin the journey. They may also be able to point you to free or sliding-scale therapy, where you can get more specific in your healing journey.

Don’t feel that you need to jump back into the dating pool too quickly. Time takes time. But the fact that you’re reaching out, that you’ve expressed such a strong desire to connect, indicates that you’re ready to let some of this go in favor of a more healed future. I wish you luck.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

She married Rick and they moved away. Peter and I have never really spoken about my sister or what happened, but I know he was deeply hurt. I’ve not heard of him dating anyone since then.

Peter knows she married Rick but she’s not on social media so he may not even know that, in the last three years, they have had two children and just found out she’s pregnant with twins. My sister and Rick are moving back to the area. It’s a small enough place that it’s only a matter of time before they cross paths.

I’d like to say something to Peter. My husband says to keep well out of it, they’re all adults and will have to work it out for themselves. I know I’d like to be prepared if I were in Peter’s shoes. What do you think?

— Bad News Bearer

Dear Bearer: Stay out of it and let Peter take his chances with kismet, coincidence, and all the other cosmic forces that bring exes together at the best/worst possible moments in rom-coms and nighttime soap opera cliffhangers.

While you’ve known Peter for a while, you write that you haven’t heard about him dating other people. If you were close, he’d tell you himself.

So, he may not be at a point, emotionally, where your sister’s happy home life will devastate him anymore. Or, if he is still tender, hearing the news from you might feel just as bad as stumbling upon it himself. Leave him be and let the plot mechanics of small-town life do what they will.

Dear Eric: While shopping at Costco, I witnessed a woman in her 40s, who appeared to be struggling with a large, heavy box on a high shelf. As she attempted to remove it, the box slipped and fell in front of me.

I hesitated to help, partly out of concern for my own safety in lifting something potentially heavy, and partly because I wasn’t sure how to react. I also thought she could have asked an employee for help, which is what I would have done. By the way, I’m a petite Asian woman in my late 50s, and the lady who dropped the box was a white woman.

As I walked away, she confronted me, saying she would have offered to help if the roles were reversed. This made me feel guilty, so I offered to assist her, but she declined and walked away upset. I’m left wondering if I was wrong not to help her immediately and if it’s fair for her to have confronted me like that. Additionally, I’m curious if the racial dynamics might have played a role in my reaction or her response.

— Hesitant Helper

Dear Helper: One thing is for sure: the lawyers who handle liability for the Costco corporation would have greatly preferred that the woman ask an employee for help with the heavy box instead of trying to wrangle it down herself.

Other things are less clear. We’ll never know if your race was a motivator for her, consciously or unconsciously. But, as a person of color, being yelled at in public like that possibly brought up hard emotions for you from other experiences that were more overtly racialized. It’s healthy to process that.

I’m unsure when she wanted your help — while getting the box down or when trying to pick it back up. Either way, her decision-making has nothing to do with you. What if you had a bad back? What if you’d just gotten a manicure? One is never going to go wrong asking another person “Do you want help?” But you can also communicate clearly about what help is possible if it’s asked for. “I don’t feel safe supporting that box, but if you push it back and wait, I can grab an employee.”

Dear Eric: Your advice to Willed to Give (August 3) may have omitted a key point. The stepson supposedly “whined” his mother into changing her will on her “deathbed”. This has the earmarks of undue influence and other potential legal issues. The daughters would be well advised to see an estate litigation attorney to review these suspicious facts.

— Reader

Dear Reader: I should have been more precise with my language. I wrote that the will was unchangeable. That’s not true. The daughters can contest, even if the letter writer can’t.

Willed to Give can give the above advice to his daughters, but I’d caution him against getting any more involved in the situation, as his unwilling involvement was the problem he wrote in about in the first place.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

He also does not have open communication with his father to let him know his feelings or what has occurred during our visits. She doesn’t even live there but makes him feel an unwelcome guest in his own childhood home. My memories of the last couple holiday visits are primarily negative because of her.

I want to stay elsewhere this time around to try to make it a more positive experience for us and our kids. If we stay elsewhere the whole family will know I’m the one making that decision.

Should I just do the same as my husband would otherwise do or simply tell my father-in-law we are staying elsewhere this time around without giving a reason. I do not feel it is my place to discuss the issues about this woman with him so I feel I cannot be honest.

— Fed-Up Visitor

Dear Visitor: If I had a family crest, it would read “No more sufferfests!” No more grinning and bearing it at the vacation rental no one actually likes or doing the holiday tradition that makes everyone miserable. No more sufferfests!

Give yourself the gift of staying somewhere else. I wish your husband felt comfortable standing up for himself, but I’m glad that you’re willing to advocate for everyone’s happiness at least.

Tell your father-in-law that you decided to try something new, but if he asks, tell him the truth. You’re family, too, and his partner’s behavior affects you, also. It could also provide an opportunity to make sure he’s OK, that she’s not running roughshod over what he wants or treating him badly in other ways.

Dear Eric: My husband and I have been together for nearly 25 years, married for 15. We have two kids, 8 and 12. I cannot say that our marriage has been good or easy or that staying together has been wise, and I could have written about a litany of challenges.

I have always quibbled with the labor imbalance in our relationship. For two decades, I have been the one who did the heavy lifting: dinner, dishes, school paperwork, medical appointments, holidays, decorating the home. Our 8-year-old was born severely premature, and that added a few years of weekly appointments with specialists, ordering supplies, hospital stays, and the like. Those were mine to handle, too. It’s been hard.

I deeply value opportunities to find joy in the special moments I’ve been able to create, as well as in my own successful career.

Last month, during an argument, my husband shouted at me that “all I do is make dinner.” I am shattered and I don’t know what to do. Setting aside that making dinner most nights for the past 20 years is work itself, I feel like every vacation I’ve planned or gift I’ve wrapped or wall I’ve painted has just been a waste of time.

What am I if all of these things were just nothing? I was already on the fence about whether I should stay in this relationship or leave, but now my core sense of self is so shaken, and I feel so ashamed that I’ve spent my whole adult life on something so meaningless. What do I do?

— Invisible Labor

Dear Labor: I’m so sorry. Your husband is dead wrong, and I know you know this. It’s time to make a change for your own health and that of your kids.

You can give your husband the list of tasks you do, you can go on a strike, you can hash it out in couple’s therapy, but at the end of the day, is this a person who values you? You deserve to be valued. The work that you’re doing to make your life, and the lives of your kids better shows that you value yourself. That value is what matters, not his uninformed insults.

He has wasted 20 years not seeing you, but do you really feel that the doctor’s appointments or homework help sessions or holiday decorations were a waste? Your children certainly don’t. What you did mattered.

However, without some kind of intervention — be it counseling or separation — I fear that they’re going to be influenced by his negativity and perhaps even take on his skewed view of labor or even of you. See a therapist on your own, if that’s within your means, to sort through your feelings of shame. This will also help you get clarity about what future you want for your relationship, if any.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

Meals and mealtimes always have to revolve around his taste and timeframe or he throws tantrums. He will not greet adults; he makes no eye contact and interrupts adult conversations.

His way of saying hello is to punch his uncle (my husband) and he also punches his cousins (our children). He will give a half-hearted “sorry” and thinks that somehow the air has been cleared and he can go on his merry way.

When we use “I” statements, like “I don’t like to be punched” or “I said ‘hello’, you should say ‘hello’ back” he becomes snarky and says we are not his parents so we can’t tell him what to do.

His parents respond the same way and tell us not to “tell their kid what to do”. He has no social communication deficits and is not on the autism spectrum. Please advise us on how to respond or what to say during these tense interactions.

Leaving a family party seems too dramatic and allows the “behavior” to ‘win’ in a sense.

— Dudley’s Aunt

Dear Aunt: Dudley’s a problem, but these parents are even worse. It would be one thing if they were “helpless” in the face of a hellion. But since they take on an adversarial tone when you, rightfully, tell Dudley not to punch another person, I’m inclined to believe they condone or even encourage his acting out.

Presumably, one of the parents is your husband’s sibling. So, I’m wondering if this family dynamic precedes the kid. Are they bullies, too?

Make it clear to them before the next gathering what you will and will not tolerate when it comes to your own kids and your own bodies. Tell them, “Your child is not allowed to punch my child, and I expect you to make sure that doesn’t happen. If you can’t do that, we can’t be around each other.”

Judging from their prior responses, they may not be receptive. But you have to draw the line in the sand, even if it means leaving a family gathering. Dudley has already brought the drama with his Rocky Balboa impression. You’re allowed to step out of the ring.

Dear Eric: When I was in my very early 20s, some 27 years ago, I “dabbled” in drugs. My car was stolen one night, and with it my drugs. I didn’t know what to do, fearing I would be arrested myself for the drugs.

I had to come clean to my dad, the owner of the car. He called his attorney and then the cops. The attorney told us to keep quiet about the drugs, don’t answer any questions other than the car theft, and if directly asked about the drugs, to refer the questions to him.

The thief was apprehended by the police. They searched my car and found the drugs. The thief was adamant they weren’t his. When they questioned me, I panicked and lied, denying all knowledge of them. The thief ended up getting charged for my drugs and received an additional two years.

He went to jail; I went on “vacation” to a very private drug rehab clinic. I’ve been clean ever since. I try not to think of it anymore but occasionally I do and have a great deal of remorse about it. Coming clean all these years later to the cops doesn’t make sense, not that I could even be charged all these years later. An apology to this car thief (who had a significant arrest history, including for drugs) doesn’t sound like a good idea either. Any advice on how to put this behind me?

— Reformed Remorse

Dear Remorse: I’m a little curious about why the apology is a no-go for you. Yes, his actions and your actions put him in jail, so he’s not a blameless victim. But you played a crucial role. If you want to make amends, an apology is how you start. You may not want to get involved in this person’s life again, but the fact is you have been for the last 27 years.

Look, it doesn’t come without its risks. He could be angry; he could lash out. But he could also be understanding or forgiving or phlegmatic.

One way to put this behind you is to just forgive yourself and move on. That’s also an option. You made a mistake and took the advice you were given. But I think this other person is going to keep riding around in the passenger seat of your guilt until you address it.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

Truly I am stumped on the gift. On the invitation it says if you’d like to give a gift, please donate money to their honeymoon fund! My concern is the gift at the wedding. Do I bring fruit and flowers? If so, what flowers do I look for? I know the fruit is mandarin oranges. Or do I go with incense and candles?

I haven’t met my daughter-in-law-to-be and my son hasn’t spoken to me in more than 10 years. So, I have no idea how to approach this. I also am unsure how religious she is. How do I find this out? Also, since I don’t know, should I scrap the idea all together? I don’t want to be disrespectful to her or her religion and I definitely want to keep this door open and hopefully repair the relationship with my son and create a new relationship with my daughter-in-law-to-be.

— Respectful Mother-in-Law

Dear Mother-in-Law: Traditions vary, as with all weddings, so the best way to figure out what your responsibilities are is to reach out and ask. Now, if your son hasn’t spoken to you in a decade, you may not have any responsibilities. The invitation may be an olive branch or a once-closed door cracking open. If you don’t feel comfortable asking for more information now and they haven’t made any requests, go and dress as you would to any other wedding.

As to the gift, they’ve told you what they want. Donate to the honeymoon fund and don’t worry about bringing anything to the ceremony and reception — maybe a card if you’d like. Your desire to do this right is admirable. Don’t worry about messing up; if they haven’t let you know you need to bring something, they won’t be expecting you to. The way to do this wedding right is to show up with openness and gratitude and enjoy the day.

Dear Eric: I recently married the love of my life. It’s a second marriage for both of us and we are an interracial couple. We had a small wedding, about 50 people, with only family and close friends. We had family travel in from many states.

My brother, who lives in Texas, declined to come and said it was because the wedding was in California. He is very conservative. I was very hurt that he didn’t come to my wedding for political reasons and because I’m not sure if it goes beyond politics.

Based on his views, I suspect he may not have approved of my divorce and my subsequent choice to marry a Latino. My parents are deceased and I only have two siblings. It would have been nice for him to try to fill the void of my dad and let me have more than one of my family of origin present on this important day in my life.

Now his son is getting married in Texas. I feel, as Californians, we may not be welcomed with open arms based on the refusal of my Texan brother to come to our state. Although we received an invitation via mail, I’m not sure he wants us there. My husband feels we should go to show this is what family does for each other, show up and support despite our different beliefs.

— Conflicted Sister

Dear Sister: It’s news to me that Texans can’t go to California and vice versa. If residents of the two largest states in the “lower 48” aren’t welcome across each other’s borders, we’re in big trouble. How will famed Texan Matthew McConaughey film his movies?

If you feel that your nephew’s wedding will be a safe environment, psychologically, for you and your husband, you should go as a way of living into your values. Talk it through with your husband; you know your family better than he does and can point out any potential trouble. Neither of you should willingly put yourselves in a situation where you’ll be discriminated against.

Hopefully, the issue is just with your brother and not the rest of the family. Whether you go or not, you and your brother should have a talk because there’s a lot that’s unsaid and it’s going to come out one way or another. Tell him how you felt when he skipped your wedding and challenge him on any racist beliefs he has. For family, showing up is great, but saying the hard thing is key.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

I feel caught in the middle, making excuses saying things like he’s tired or something like that.

When he cooks for me and the children at my mom’s house during visits, he refuses to cook for my mom. If he goes to the store, he won’t ask if she would like him to bring something back.

Recently, my 7-year-old daughter told my mother, “Dad doesn’t like you.” I know why that statement is true, but I personally feel like there is no good reason to be socially rude and disrespectful. If this continues, maybe he should not visit when the children and I go.

— Wife in the Middle

Dear Wife: Your husband’s behavior goes beyond not liking. We’re in grudge territory here. First things first: he should definitely stop visiting. I can’t imagine it’s fun for your mom, so who is benefiting?

You write that you know why he doesn’t like her. Have you talked it through with him? With her? With them together? It’s not your job to fix it, but his extreme reaction suggests something truly awful. Who owes who amends here? Making progress toward that will keep this poison out of the family tree’s root system.

You should also let him know how hard his behavior is making your life. He’s an adult who needs to use (and model) better conflict resolution skills. Talk to him about the burden his hostility is placing on everyone. It’s not just your mom who is getting the blowback.

Dear Eric: I have been on the board of a small nonprofit organization for nearly five years and signed a non-disclosure agreement. There have been two significant “issues” during my time on the board. Numerous executive board sessions were held; law enforcement conducted interviews and state agencies held inquiries.

My wife wants the details. I told her I signed the NDA and couldn’t give her any information. She claimed that we are married and shouldn’t keep secrets, and I could tell her what was discussed in the executive meetings.

— Secret Keeper

Dear Secret Keeper: I’ve signed and honored my share of NDAs (have I been to a party at Beyoncé’s house? The world will never know.) None of those agreements included the clause “You can tell your wife if she’s curious.”

You’re welcome to have a lawyer take a look at yours to see if it specifically allows spousal disclosures of the protected topics. But I don’t see how the information you have would materially benefit your wife. Moreover, you’re putting yourself and your organization at unnecessary risk, even if she promises not to tell.

This isn’t what we mean when we talk about “keeping secrets” in a marriage. You’re not hiding a Swiss bank account. You’re simply not telling her information you’re legally bound not to disclose about a company with which she doesn’t have a relationship.

Dear Eric: I am a phlebotomist at a hospital. I have a coworker that is one of the laziest people I have ever met. He goes out of his way to avoid taking care of patients. Once, I kept track of how many patients we each took care of. I had a little more than 40 while he had taken seven in the same 10-hour shift.

I have brought up the issue with my boss several times. At first, she ignored the problem, then made excuses for him and now she will acknowledge the issue but just is not doing anything about it.

My other coworkers and I are unsure how to proceed. I have had other jobs in the past where the managers made it my job to police my coworkers, but I have come to realize how unfair that was and how it caused a lot of unnecessary stress that I’m not paid to deal with.

— Bloody Exhausted

Dear Exhausted: This is so frustrating. His laziness is putting you under a clot of pressure and all your complaints have been in vein. (I’ll stop now.) You’re right — you don’t want to become Coworker Cop. If you’re in a union, there might be resources there or you and your coworkers could talk to the person above your boss.

But I think ignoring it, as best you can, will help you feel more sanguine. I worry that tracking the unfairness is causing more stress than the laziness. You’re good at your job; he’s bad for the hospital and bad for the patients, but it doesn’t stop you from showing up and doing what you can. Don’t let his bad blood work raise your pressure.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

My first attempt at cleanup was not successful. Second attempt, I thought I’d either take the remains to be cremated, or bury the cat in my backyard. Cremation costs were out of my means so, for the last six years, the kitty has been safely buried in my yard.

In the time since, our friendship has disintegrated. I returned her key to her house. She has never really said that she hated or liked my solution to the cat’s burial. She is a very private person; and can be passive-aggressive, snarky and avoidant.

But, what do I do with the deceased cat? If one of my kitties had had to be buried elsewhere, I would be angry. Do I dig up the kitty and cremate what is left? Do I create a box of cremains-like and mail it? Put what’s left in the dirt in a box and not cremate? Cremate, send her an email, apologizing and wishing her well and give a deadline for mailing?

— Pet Cemetery Sitter

Dear Sitter: Cats have nine lives, but one burial suffices. Two is generous. Three risks farce. Let the cat rest undisturbed in your yard. You kindly solved a problem for your friend that she should have cared enough to solve. You’ve done more than your share and can let your worries rest in peace, as well.

Dear Eric: At 75, I have been getting rid of stuff for years to get ready to meet my maker. Unfortunately, my son’s new girlfriend thinks I can’t afford decorations. I pass on all the lovely arts and crafts she gives me to the Goodwill.

I don’t want to tell her that I would prefer a handmade coupon for a lunch date at the cafe of my choice or other useful items. I’d love fragrance-free soaps and shampoo, canned tuna fish or stamps. I’ve just gotten rid of a lifetime of clothes and prefer an austere life now. Advice, please?

— Downsizing Dilemma

Dear Downsizing: Friend, you’re already there! You’ve downsized everything, including the potential conflict. In your letter, you’ve figured out the problem and a solution that could make everyone happy. So, just tell her the truth. You’re still building a relationship and the best way to do that is to communicate, kindly and helpfully.

Before the next gift-giving holiday, let her know exactly what you wrote to me: I’m downsizing, it’s freeing; here’s what would be really valuable to me. You can even model it by giving her a coupon for a lunch date to show you mean it.

Dear Eric: I’m a comfortably retired, single only child who is fortunate to have relatives nearby. We are in each other’s lives often and in supportive ways. I’m there for celebrations, emergencies and other events both joyful and sad.

My health care proxy, power of attorney and other legal papers are with them. We’ve had conversations about my wishes at the end of life and for some time I’ve felt “settled” in that regard.

Recently they shared they plan to move to a different region of the country upon retirement, which will be within four years. There has been no acknowledgement of the impact of their move on me.

I’ll be in my late 70’s by then and the thought of navigating the challenges of advancing age pretty much alone is frightening. I am conflicted about what to do here. Do I just come out and ask, “Have you given any thought to the impact of your move on me and other members of the family?” I hate this feeling; they are entitled to enjoy their retirement wherever they choose.

— Distressed About the Future

Dear Distressed: You trust them enough with your power of attorney and care, not to mention your joys and celebrations, so trust them with this tender emotion as well. Tell them that you’re happy for them and also that you’re scared about your own future. The two emotions aren’t in conflict.

Ask them to help you think through what this means for you. Perhaps they’ve already given it some thought. You’re not a burden.

Together, you’ve done so much of the important work that we all need to do regarding elder care and end-of-life planning. Keep those communication channels open. It will help you feel more secure and help you make changes if you need to.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

A few months after the wedding, she began dropping by my house unannounced. I asked her to stop; she acted like I was kidding. The issue came to a head one day when she dropped by while I was in the shower. She let herself in with a key she had copied from my son’s keychain. I let my anger get the best of me and I spoke harshly to her. Later that day she sent a long email about how hurt she is that I “play favorites” by allowing my college-age son to come and go as he pleases, but I want her to call first.

Now she is pregnant, and it’s gotten worse. She texts me multiple times a day in the voice of the baby. “Good Mowning Grammy! I kept my mommy up all night with the burpies. Did my daddy ever do that when he was in your belly?” She wants me and her mother to go to her appointments and be in the delivery room. I have no idea how to manage my relationship with her in a way that doesn’t cause strife in my son’s marriage.

— Overwhelmed by Affection

Dear Affection: She’s eager and probably struggling to figure you out, but it’s time to say night-night to some of these widdle habits.

Coming into your house unannounced with a key she wasn’t given isn’t a whoopsie daisy. She’s an adult and can understand that ignoring boundaries isn’t a sign of love.

In a calm moment, talk to her about respect. Explain that you love her and want to build a relationship with her, but when she does these things, it feels disrespectful to you.

If she interprets your boundaries as slights against her or jokes, that’s a red flag. It’s manipulative.

She may not have had good models for this kind of relationship (unclear what’s going on with her own mom), but if she’s not open to hearing you, you can’t build something healthy. Ask your son for insight but frame your talk around what you want your relationship to be, not what you have problems with.

Forcing yourself to go to appointments will only create more resentment. So, decline. “I don’t think that works for me, but I can’t wait for the baby shower.” As to the baby talk texts … oh my goo-goo-gah-gah; I can’t believe I’m going to write this … ignore it for now. You can’t win them all.

Dear Eric: My husband and I were invited to his nephew’s son’s bar mitzvah. We are both in our 70’s. I have breast cancer that is in remission. We have made it a point to avoid shaking hands and keep our distance from other people. The family knows our feelings about avoiding exposure to Covid and other viruses.

At the dinner, a longtime friend of my husband’s brother pulled a chair over next to my husband to talk with him. In the course of the conversation, the friend revealed that his wife did not attend because she was home with Covid.

After we returned home, my husband and I both tested positive for Covid. We were both extremely ill. The parents of the bar mitzvah boy and a few others also became ill.

My in-laws admit the guest was the probable spreader. I was furious that they knew their friend’s wife was ill and told him it was OK to attend. They claim he was complying with CDC guidelines. My sister-in-law is upset I yelled at her and is demanding an apology. At this point, I never intend to socialize with either one or attend any of their future super-spreader events. My stepdaughter thinks we are being unfair.

— Furious Guest

Dear Guest: Your feelings are valid, but too much of your anger is directed at your in-laws. That’s not going to change any of the decisions that were made. Yes, your in-laws could have held a more Covid-conscious gathering or put precautions like testing or masking in place. But they didn’t and that wasn’t one of the stipulations of your attendance.

I want to be clear — I’m not saying this is your fault in any way. Simply: the risk could have been lessened, but what happened to you wasn’t intentional. Holding on to resentment is going to eat at you. Let it go.

However, I partially disagree with your stepdaughter. You established a boundary. That’s fair. If public events with too many unknowns don’t feel right, you don’t have to go.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)